I’ve always been kind of a black and white person. It’s everything or nothing. I work 24/7 or I don’t work at all. I drink a lot or I don’t drink at all (I should definitely revise that one) and I don’t wish to participate in the modern world of dating. It’s either THE guy or nobody at all. Black and white much? Well, get ready.
All about the “Wants”
Modern dating seems to be all about WANTS. Whether it’s wanting to fill up a gap in your life, wanting to feel valued and important, wanting to fit in. Putting these expectations and selfish projections out into the world eventually turn against us. The validation of modern dating is like a short sugar kick. After a while, you become dependent on it. And why is that bad? Because sooner or later, you unlearn your ability to recognize what’s real. You are no longer capable of filtering out the authentic, genuine feelings and connections. Neither will you be attracting this kind of person in your life. At least, that’s what I observe when I look at what’s happening around me.
So besides forcing something that there isn’t and “being in it for the wrong reasons”, what else appalls me when it comes to modern dating games? My belief that when it comes to the ‘big’ matters in life, you can’t force it. You have to allow it to happen naturally. It’s there or it’s not. You feel it or you don’t. Anything in between for me doesn’t exist.
**I wrote this in 2017, but my perspective on this largely remains the same. I now know that “in-between things,” like relationships or dating guys that aren’t quite “it,” can be eye-opening in terms of what we learn about ourselves. At the same time, getting involved with this type of guy is a bit like playing Russian Roulette: you have to get out before it’s too late.
To keep things practical, read below my perspective on why your dating doesn’t work. A short story: You are not connected to yourself. The other person is not connected to themselves. You both are not connected to yourself. This makes connecting impossible.
1. We treat dating as networking
Although going into a date lowkey with no romantic expectations seems like a good idea, it also instantly kills the possibility for anything more. When you show up as your networking self, you will show the polished ready-made persona of yourself. You might be able to connect parts of that persona to someone, but it’s not you as a whole.
2. Hidden contempt
We say we are not angry, but we are deep down. We stand ready with our cases of past hurts to throw at someone or interpret any behavior in a way that matches our pain. This hidden anger can also attract precisely the kind of person that shows us what we’re angry at. The reason for that is simple. Everything that is unhealed in you will show up in an alternative way until you deal with it. It’s like that great Carl Jung quote, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct you, and you will call it fate.”
3. You are there to be liked, not to be real
Or also: the disease to please. Needing a person to like us kills our authenticity because we don’t show up as ourselves. We don’t say what we mean, and we don’t show who we are. When you are yourself, it’s instantly clear who would be a good match for you and who is not. When you are yourself, truly yourself, whoever you like will like you just as much.
4. We are stuck in definitions
Don’t get stuck in a definition of what is a good match for you. Honestly, in many cases, you genuinely do not know what is best for you. That’s especially so if you’re one of those people with a long list of what your potential partner should be/have/do/etc. I can’t say what rule of life this is, but I guess it has something to do with the power of humility that comes with saying “I don’t know”.